sio_ma's Xanga

My Theory of Life

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:36:42 GMT

最近我在想. 在一間辦公室裡放了不同的植物, 有的生長我很好, 有的生長得很不好. 不同的植物有它們不同的生存方式或條件. 需要陽光的植物在室內會生長得很弱. 灑太多水給仙人掌會溺死它. 水生植物要養在水內才不會乾死. 我覺得自己像是被迫要在不到適合的地方生長的植物. 每個人都說我不肯去適應, 可是就算生存了, 也不能好好地生長得更好. 這就好像水養的紫羅蘭, 不是在特殊的生長環境中是開不出花的; 可是土養的紫羅蘭, 葉子不只生得比水養的綠而且只需加點花肥就會開出花來. 水養的紫羅蘭也是很想開出花來, 可是在不適合的環境下, 能夠長出健康的葉子就已經很不錯了. 再說, 在不同的環境下生長, 生存所需的特性也是不同的吧. 可是水養的紫羅蘭還是被人說不肯去適應而去開花. 就算把它種回土裡, 只有水根的紫羅蘭大多數都會在死去. 這真的是水養的紫羅蘭的錯嗎? 它選擇以水為生存的方式錯嗎? 就算把兩片從同一株紫羅蘭摘下的葉子放在相同的土裡及環境培養, 也不一定兩片葉子都會一起生存下來.

把一棵蘋果樹的分枝放在同一個果園裡栽種, 它們也不會生出一樣質量的果實. 那為什麼要說分枝出來的不去適應別的環境而出產相同品質的蘋果? 在葡萄園裡的葡萄也會因當年的氣候變化而出產出不同品質的葡萄酒, 那為什麼要說葡萄不去適應當年的氣候去保持最好的出產品質? 那是誰不肯去適應的錯嗎? 是誰為自己狡辯嗎?

我知道沒有人會認同我的想法及生存方式. 我不期望別人會明白理解, 但我只求找到一個適合自己的生存空間. 雖然浮萍除水漂流而且可能會令水流不通順, 可是它也可以成為某些生物的家和避難所. 不一定只有樹木才是所有生物的家和避難所.

現在我要二者選其一, 選哪一個都好, 前面的路一樣很不明確的.

A Break

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 10:24:45 GMT

Today, I have a break from the situation. Praise and thank God for this short relieve.

Father was back and had Catechism lesson after his long retreat. Had lunch and tea with some friends. Haven't been with friends for a long time and it made me felt better and cheerer.

Hoping everything will be fine and succeed tomorrow morning. I am still hoping for a miracle.

huh~~

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:20:59 GMT

A few days ago, I met a man of sixty something, he lives alone and I think he is happy to find somebody to talk to him in his routine life. He is very zealous to welcome me and I feel a bit scare about it as I am not good at handling this kind of people.

I would like to tell him not be so zealous but...I don't know if it will hurt him. Anyway, if I find out that I cannot tolerate, I will explain to him clearly.

One thing about this old man is that his handwriting is very beautiful (in Chinese, English and Portuguese). He can write English with "Chinese fur pen"!!! After seeing his handwriting, I dare not to let him see mine as it is too ugly.

After the pilgrimage, I spent less time in Pio as there was something happened that set apart from Jesus, Mary and me. Previously, something happened and the situation continue. I know that it will not improve my situation so I start to go back to Pio a bit more often though usuallly in the mid-night. I complain a lot in front of the Eucharist though I know I should not; anyway, I have to thank Jesus and Mary to let me heard something that I am escaping and it is time to think twice (don't know if there will be any action later on)

Half of 2009 Has Passed

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:58:36 GMT

Today is the first day of July and it means that the other half of the year started.

There were many things happened in the past 6 months, some were good and some were bad.

One of my dreams had come ture...that is...I travel to Europe! I had never thought that I can have this chance! Thanks be to God!

I has become a Catholic though I would like to wait for "that day"; I was told I could not make use of God's love to let Him waiting for me and who knows if I can wait for "that day" again.

Sad things, I don't want to "record" here, not merely because I don't want to face them or deal with them...it is just...let's my journal record more happy things than unhappy things, there are more than enough unhappy things already.

Let's hope that the next half of the year is better than the previous.

心中的話

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:21:59 GMT

感受到的是別的東西, 這個沒有人理解, 而現在被人要求一些根本給不到的. 就算你們真的給了, 我是領受不到那又怎樣 ! 而且這也不是一時三刻突然這個樣子的. 留意不到事情老早就已經存在也是各下的問題, 不只是我一個人的錯. 令我看這個世上還有其他顏色的是別人而不是你們.

Let It Be

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 12:03:43 GMT

I don't think I can forgive my aunt or to repair our relationship and I don't want to do this as my heart is still full of hatred towards her. I am telling myself that she is somebody that I don't know and I will try my best to ignore her as possible as I can.

If we are in the same place, I will not look at her as her whole self is really disgusting to me and ignite all my negative feeling. I know that I am in disadvantage but I also know that one day, I will overcome it and see the light again. So just let it be and focus on the thing that is more important at the moment.

First Consultation

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:22:25 GMT

After two weeks, I still feel hatred and disgust towards my aunt, I decided to consult a father.

I thought that he will tell me what I should do now when we are in the same place but it is not the case, he asked me to dig out my pass and heal every possible wounds so that I can love myself and then love others.

Well! I don't want to touch my pass as most of them are not happy memories but if I don't face it now, it will be more painful for me to touch them when I grow older.

Ok, I have taken the frist step and now is the second step, I am not sure how "big" this step will be.

So, for the time being, I keep escaping my aunt as possible as I can, I am still very aggressive to her in order to protect myself even what I do is ingratutuded.

Hatred

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 11:54:48 GMT

I had never known that I hate my aunt so much until something traggered my memory and my emotion not long ago.

I could not subpress my anger and discontentment at that time and I wanted to bursted out.

I was advised to be merciful, patient and forgiving; however, the volumn of my patience is very tiny so I spoke out my discontentment. Then, the situation started to go worse as she was angry with me. Ok, I was fine with that she kept a distace from me and ignored me. However, she was so "small gas" and I could not tolerate it anymore. She had said something offensive and I fought back and she said I should even show my gratitude. It was impossible at least to me to say thank to offensive words. OK, our relationship broken and I don't think this relationship is good to continue.

When I was very small still studying in kindergarten, I hate my aunt, maybe, due to a cruel incident which she had done to me. I remember that I cried out loud to her that I hate her very much. I cannot remember what I did or what made she did such a cruel thing but one thing is clear, even time passes and I had forgotten this thing, the hatred doesn't disappear and it has influence me. Besides, I have found out that I have no compassion toward another aunt who was with her during the cruel incident. I don't feel pity on her no matter what has happened to her.

Before I remember this incident, I always don't like her no matter what good things that person has done. I cannot feel happy or have gratitude on what that person does. Because of that curel incident, my subconscience scares that person and makes me do something that I dislike. Now, I even doubt if I have make a very bad decision in my life.

Though she has done somethings which was good to me, I still cannot help hating her. In other's eyes, I act just like a betrayer but I cannot stop my disgusting feeling towards her.
I know I have to be released from this hatred but I am not merciful enough for the time being. I know that Our Lady want me to learn to forgive but I am upsetting Our Lady as I cannot be patience and to forgive for the sake of Our Lady. I know that the pain of hatred will contiune to linger me until the time that I can forgive. Nobody can interfere in this matter except Our Lady.

I am doing nothing to improve the situation as I am not humble enough and my self is not tiny enough like an atom (or even small than that). I am back to my fallen life though I know it is of no use to me and the situation. I just know that I don't want the aunt-and-niece relationship between us. In addition, I also hate and disgust myself to be under her influence for more than two decades and we share the same genes and similarity.

Medjugorje (01)

Thu, 21 May 2009 09:25:56 GMT

Just back home from Medjugorje a few days and were so busy that I put the five stones aside... (-_-)!!!

Medjugorje is really the paradise on earth though I could not receive the grace well, I do have many graces brought back home.

Before I went there, I heard that Medjugorje is a small village and there life there was very simple. I thought that it was a place with a few houses scattered around with farmers, cows, sheep everywhere. I was a little bit scare as I imagined the village could be some what like the village twenty years ago in China.

Alone the way to Medjugorje, there were many little villages (living in farm life) which were very beautiful and I thought that Medjugorje would be like this; however, when I reached there, frankly speaking, I was a bit disappointed as there were many houses along the main street. Anyway, it is looks like a small small town in my eyes as there are fields behind the houses in the main street. This is not really bad at all, at least I didn't have to live a farm life there. Many convenient things in a city can be reached easily. But I head that more than ten years ago, Medjugorje was still a village.

There are three main places in Medjgorje - St. James Church, the Apparition Hill and the Cross Hill, the other places are local house, small fields, penions and shops. Every 6pm, Rosary time; 640pm, Our Lady appears to daily visionaries, 7pm, Mass; after Mass will have healing + rosary, or rosary + adoration. Since there were so many people that the Church could not occupied, we reach the church around 5pm to get a so so good seat. If you come after 530, you need to stand or sit on the floor if there is space.

Many pilgrims must go to the Apparition Hill and there is a statue place at the spot where Our Lady appeared to the visionaries. I was still not in concentrated condition, so I could not hear what Our Lady talks to me....(-_-)

The Cross Hill, whoever reaches the top (the Cross), Our Lady will give the people a kiss (if I remember it correctly)....Yeah! I have her kiss on my cheek or forehead, yeah !!!!!!!!! though I could not see it or feel it at all.

Well, it is time for go out to have a walk, continue later.

Pilgrimage to Medjugorje

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 02:48:41 GMT

At the end of last month, I decided to go to Medjugorje for a pilgrimage. I would like to join the July pilgrimage as it is for the youth; however, after considering this and that, I think the timing of the May pilgrimage is better suit my plan and schedule. Kata, I am sorry to change my decision after inviting you there. Let's see if you are interesting in the next May pilgrimage there.

This is the first time for me to travel so far away home and to a place where I am totally unknown. I just know it is in Eastern Europe and there were wars in the early 90's. I don't how the weather is in Eastern Europe in May; thus, I don't know what to pack or what clothes should I bring. I heard that it is very dry and I am thinking of buying very geasing lotion or olive oil instead.

I am a bit regret that I didn't self-study hard my Portuguese, French and Italian as I never expect that I can travel to Europe in my life-time! Suddenly, it reminds me "life is quite unpredictable". Until now, I still haven't plan of or prepare anything for the pilgrimage expect I am told to prepare for the 33-days consecration...-_-!!!

The duration of this pilgrimage is quite lone (for me), probably two weeks and I am not sure if I have enough budget to go back home as my aunt warns me that I will go crazy there especially in the airport of Germany and France.

This coming Saturday, I will baptise and convert to the Roman Cathelic Church. I feel a little bit nervious. There will be a retreat start on Thursday...actually, I don't want to join but I am told to do so as preparation. Last night, I have spent quite a lot on a white dress and still not yet buy a white shoes...-_-!!! Anyway, let's walk around and see if I can find a pair. I have found one but it is too expensive. Let's try my luck again tonight.